Which brings me to: The Williams Sonoma Catalogue.

To those who know me, it comes as no surprise that this particular catalogue sends my magpie self to an almost ringing pitch. Shiny! Glossy! Pricey! But there is one item I just. I just. Can’t.

The Monogrammed Forged Steak Brand.

Do these folks exist? People who brand their initials into their meat? Is this one of those Gifts for the Person Who Has Everything? It’s just occurred to me that this category might also be termed Gifts that No One Will Ever Ever Need.

I like imagining a seasoned griller, gloved and aproned, manning the flame, brand in hand. A guest attempts to remove a perfectly seared steak from the grill and the brander shrieks “STOP!!! I haven’t monogrammed my meat!!!!!” TSSSSSSSSSSSSSS goes the brand, and the guest creeps away, quite afraid.

The Williams Sonoma catalogue is a pro at making you dream of a better life. A life filled with shiny, heavy appliances that will make you perfectly square waffles, and filled pancakes, and exquisitely rolled omelets.

For the mere exchange of credit card info, you can have a box of dry-ice ensconced croissants, ready to bake, delivered right to your doorstep. Let me assure you: sticking pre-made croissants into your oven in no way diminishes the sensation that you’re a brilliant French baker.

And that’s the genius. They make YOU feel like a genius. For buying their stuff.

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